Today on This Morning they were discussing the same question we were three days ago! Could it be true that Phil and Holly read this blog..... or just a coincidence?! :) Phil and Holly if you're out there- my maternity leave finishes in March, so if we could arrange my appearance before then, that would be great!
I've been thinking the past couple of days - would the me of 2 years ago, like the me of today? Would the hurt desperate 36 years old be able to be around the woman with the most adorable twins in the world? (That's me by the way!). Could I have been happy for the present me? Being honest- I would have found it a struggle. I know the way I felt when yet another facebook announcement came up on my timeline and when rumours of friends and acquaintances being pregnant were about. When another baby shower invite came through. I'm not proud of how I felt at times but it was real. Thankfully I had people I could share my feelings with and friends who made me see things differently. One friend- Bingo Sarah (can you guess where she likes to go?!) is an example of someone who gave me a kick in the bitter arse and she doesn't even know it!
Bingo Sarah had sat through countless bingo sessions with me bemoaning my shitty body and how my baby making oven was not working right and how combined with a missing tube meant I wasn't sure I was ever going to get the one thing I had always wanted. She had listened, advised and ate chips with me. Then one day I received a text from her. It read ".....I know you'll be happy for me, I'm pregnant!" It was those 7 words- I know you'll be happy for me- that hit me. She didn't apologise for her news. Why should she? She didn't hide from me. She believed in me. She trusted that I was a nice person. Being happy at someone announcing a pregnancy was not something I had been. At that moment I was given a chance to be different. She had made me see things through her eyes- not mine.
I'd love to say I handled all announcements with that happiness I had for Bingo Sarah. I didn't. But I did challenge myself a bit more about my bitterness.
My question to you is- how do handle your bitterness? Do you have any advice to help someone get through yet another announcement. I know not everyone reading this will have struggled with fertility issues- but I'm pretty sure nearly everyone has struggled with something similar- another engagement, another promotion, another bingo win, another new car, another holiday, another stone off!
Please do comment- you never know, your advice could be the thing someone needs to hear!
Thanks for all your advice yesterday- priceless! It seems we are way too concerned with the design and cut of our special places! :)
I want to ask another question today and I'd really like your view on it. Is it ok to ask someone if they are going to have children?
I've asked it a million times- to lots of different people and not thought anything of it. Well I use to ask it (sometimes it still pops out- old habits die hard), until I really didn't know the answer to the question myself. As a childless woman in her 30's it is pretty much a stock question to be asked. As someone who got married last year it was something that would often be asked, in fact I think I got asked it about 5 times on my wedding day. I'm made of tough stuff and I've got pretty thick skin. But this question started to really get to me. Aquaintances would ask. Work colleagues would enquire. All innocently being nosey, but each time I was asked, it would hurt. I'd usually just smile and say "we'll see!" What I really wanted to say was "I desperately want children, but my stupid body won't let them grow in me and to top it off they took one of my tubes too! Plus what's it bloody well got to do with you!" But I never did. I smiled and died a little bit each time. Quite dramatic sounding isn't it? Well yeah it is. Because being made aware of my perceived failure as a woman felt dramatic. Did I hate the people asking it? No. After the initial 'ouch!' I had to remind myself that they didn't know, they were just more often than not making polite conversation and showing an interest. It didn't stop me hating the question though. I'm still not sure whether it's an appropriate question to ask someone. How would people really have handled it if I'd have told the truth? It would have probably made them feel awkward, extend a bit of pity my way and possibly make them avoid me for a few days! But that's just me.
I've just had twins. You'd think I'd escape being asked about my reproductive aims and ambitions! "Are you going to have any more?!" Now I just smile and say - I can't afford anymore! The stranger thinks its because the cost of raising kids is so high- but I know it's because I can't afford another round of treatment. At least this time I can give an honest answer!
What do you think? What are your experiences? Do we need to just get over ourselves? I look forward to hearing your opinions.
The past couple of days posts have- I hope- given you a bit of an insight into how I found myself as a mom of multiples. There are many more turns in the road to share with you, but tonight I thought I'd try and get you involved.
When you get pregnant, there is advice to be found everywhere. Don't eat this, make sure you take that, etc..... What no one advised me to do is practice shaving your legs and your bikini line with your eyes shut while you can still see them. There are months that go by where you can't see your legs in the shower not to mention your nether regions- but there are a whole host of people that will and - in my opinion anyway- I think it's important that you show yourself in the best possible way! The thing is, no one told me that if I practice shaving with my eyes shut while I can still see those parts I would escape the deep trauma of seeing myself after blindly (and without practice) hacking away! It wasn't pretty. I can only apologise to all those that were exposed to the monstrosity that was my bikini area and legs!
So there you have it. My top tip for pregnancy. Practice blind shaving. What's yours? If you've never been pregnant, still get involved- what question do you really want to ask, but have never had the courage to? (googling it doesn't count!). Remember, sharing is caring.
I bloody love my works do's! I really do. In fact my very first outing with my new colleagues pretty much set the tone for future gatherings....that night ended with friction burns on my feet from a knee sliding 'moment' I shared with Claire, one of my new work mates! Our next 'do' may or may not have been responsible for the death of Whitney Houston. We're hoping it was just a coincidence that her demise coincided with our heartfelt rendition of The Greatest Love and it didn't drive her to destruction.
Sorry, I digress, back to the post..... A works do was the setting for a really important conversation that would eventually shape some of my future decisions. Not that I knew that at the time. Christmas 2012, Rob and I had just moved into our new house and we had decided to 'start trying' or rather 'stop preventing' - calling it this took the pressure off (it worked for a while!). Work had organised a meal at the Four Stones up Clent. As usual I was rather full of alcohol (read- very drunk!) and rather enjoying a sing song to total eclipse of the heart (old school style). Towards the end of the evening, I overheard a conversation at the other end of the table. One of my colleagues (well she was just a colleague at the time- has now been promoted to hero and friend) was talking about her son and how she had gone through IVF to get him. I was intrigued by this....I just found it an interesting story. Obviously at the time I had no idea how important my eavesdropping would become, because in my brain- I would get up the duff the conventional way. The next day that conversation was still on my brain....so much so I messaged Laura. It was her reply that meant 3 years later I had a real friend guiding and encouraging me through the process.
I'm glad I'm an eavesdropper. More than that I'm glad Laura is a talker. I'd encourage you. Talk. Share your stories. You never know who might need to hear them- whether they know it at the time or not.
Reasons I love these pictures.....
1) I have minimal chins
2) Beyoncé is in the background
3) Hilarious nights out
4) Surrounded by good friends
5) I was pregnant in both pictures.
Reasons I loathe these pictures.....
1) It reminds me I was pregnant.
2) It reminds me that the pregnancies didn't make it.
I have had two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. All three were dreadful shit hopeless times in my life. All three made my heart grow weak. All three ripped hope from my heart.
I was thinking about this blog and how I wanted to give hope to people, but the truth is sometimes things don't have the ending we hope for. If that's you, all I can say is, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I can understand how you feel. I appreciate I am now someone you probably dislike as I've managed to get what I hoped so badly for. And it's ok to dislike me because of that. I would have disliked me just after these pictures were taken. It is shit. Absolutely completely shit.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted you to know I know. And I'm sorry.
I've always wanted babies. Only at the right time. Which is why I spent the majority of my 20's setting an alarm on my phone to remind me to take a little tablet that would stop them coming at the wrong time. I was completely regimented with it, I had the alarm, would take my tablet, would do a little cough to make sure it wasn't hiding in my throat and then I'd drink a glass of water again. After all, my ability to produce offspring was never in doubt. How could it be when I myself was the product of failed contraception! My mom was on the pill when she had me! She blames a rogue toe nail and an operation to remove it....! My sister only had to think about a baby and she produced one. Which is why it was so so so so so so important to set that reminder and stop me having a baby at the wrong time.....
Turns out, my alarm setting skills weren't actually necessary- cos for me, it wasn't going to be that easy to have myself a little bambino! It would seem for me the getting pregnant bit was a bit easier (in the beginning anyway...) it was the staying pregnant that was the problem. But of course I didn't know this until well into my 30's because I had been fantastic at not getting pregnant in the first place! (still with me?!).
Journeys are important. My journey to motherhood has been bumpy. Messy. Heart breaking. But I got there in the end. I will go into more detail in the future about some of the pit stops and how I eventually managed to carry a pregnancy through. But for today I will chuckle to myself at the sheer panic I use to have if I was even one minute over taking my little anti baby making tablet, believing I was as fertile as a Jeremy Kyle guest and my body was a first class aga oven. I'm glad I can laugh now, because I'm typing this next to my two little boys fighting sleep in their cribs.
As the title suggests, I have moved on from thinking I would be a perfect candidate for Jeremy Kyle and am now thinking my story would be a great This Morning piece! Actually my story alone would be a great 5 min segment, but combined with my friend Laura's- it would definitely involve a phone in!
It's not my place to tell you Laura's journey- I'll get her as a guest blogger soon. I will however start to tell you mine.....inspired in part by Mabel -an old lady we met in the Harvester today. She was attending her friends 80th birthday meal and noticed my twins and their pal, Laura's son. As with all old ladies she was in love with all the boys....and out of nowhere said.... "My grandson wants children and they are trying IVF but its not working..." It was then that I was able to repay the favour that people have paid me.....I was able to pass on some hope. At that moment right in front of Mabel were 3 beautiful boys who were there through the miracle of IVF. I'm not sure she could believe her eyes, so much so that meant she missed the singing of Happy Birthday to her mate Thelma! I'm sure Thelma will forgive her!
So there you have it.....the first bit of info about how my boys got here. I'll share more and hopefully a bit of hope along the way,
I was at the Harvester with some buddies today and decided I'd like to write a blog.....well actually, I had decided before that but never got round to doing it. Encouraged by my friends (more about them in future posts) I've decided today is the day the world is going to be privy to my take on it.
As the title of my page suggests, I'll probably mainly talk about my boys. My beautiful twin boys. How they got here. How they are doing. And how they have turned me into a crazy neurotic lady with just the sound of a trump.
I also hope to get free stuff. But I'm not entirely sure how you get that. I think it comes with hard work and determination.......yeah, I probably won't be getting the free stuff!