My best mate lives in Barcelona. I remember going over to see her a few years ago. Now before I tell you the rest of the story- you must remember we were in our early 30's and Ricky Martins Livin La Vida Loca was our soundtrack to life.....this one particular weekend I travelled out on the Saturday morning and by Saturday evening we were ILLEGALLY STREAMING THE X FACTOR IN OUR PYJAMAS!!! I know the carefree nature and chaos of your early 30's- the crazy memories!! Now the reason I tell you this is to ease you gently into another pretty wreckless weekend- this time Sadam (not her real name- but what I call her- nothing to do with dictators , it's her initial and last name combined) had travelled back to Black Country for some craaazy fun....so we found ourselves in the sweet aisle of the big Tesco and this conversation happened ".......mmmm should I get the starburst OR the minstrels?" Now this question blew my mind. Why was she using the word OR?? Why wasn't the word AND being used instead?! After a very stern word, Sadam retracted her question and purchased both the starburst and the minstrels! Another crazy weekend of fun fun fun! :)
I've been thinking a bit recently about using AND or OR. The truth is I'm struggling to compute some things in my brain- you see I'm the happiest I've ever been but at the same time I'm also feeling other things, not happy things. And it's been making me feel a bit guilty. Can happiness and unhappiness be felt at the same time? Or are they mutually exclusive? I don't know about people who conceive naturally- but for me I feel real pressure to feel great about everything- after all, this is what you wanted. What you paid a load of money for. What you stabbed yourself every day for over 9months for. Of course you must feel constant happiness about it- your dream has come true! And yes, yes it has! And yes I do pinch myself every day with how lucky I am and I have so much love for my boys it consumes me. But I also feel shitty. Shitty that I still only fit my maternity clothes. Shit that I haven't been able to go to bingo. And I won't depress you with the rest!
These feelings have messed with my mind a bit. Is it OK to feel this AND that or should I be feeling this OR that? Currently I feel terrible guilt for even thinking the other things. What's your experience? Please do share!