My best mate lives in Barcelona. I remember going over to see her a few years ago. Now before I tell you the rest of the story- you must remember we were in our early 30's and Ricky Martins Livin La Vida Loca was our soundtrack to life.....this one particular weekend I travelled out on the Saturday morning and by Saturday evening we were ILLEGALLY STREAMING THE X FACTOR IN OUR PYJAMAS!!! I know the carefree nature and chaos of your early 30's- the crazy memories!! Now the reason I tell you this is to ease you gently into another pretty wreckless weekend- this time Sadam (not her real name- but what I call her- nothing to do with dictators , it's her initial and last name combined) had travelled back to Black Country for some craaazy fun....so we found ourselves in the sweet aisle of the big Tesco and this conversation happened ".......mmmm should I get the starburst OR the minstrels?" Now this question blew my mind. Why was she using the word OR?? Why wasn't the word AND being used instead?! After a very stern word, Sadam retracted her question and purchased both the starburst and the minstrels! Another crazy weekend of fun fun fun! :)
I've been thinking a bit recently about using AND or OR. The truth is I'm struggling to compute some things in my brain- you see I'm the happiest I've ever been but at the same time I'm also feeling other things, not happy things. And it's been making me feel a bit guilty. Can happiness and unhappiness be felt at the same time? Or are they mutually exclusive? I don't know about people who conceive naturally- but for me I feel real pressure to feel great about everything- after all, this is what you wanted. What you paid a load of money for. What you stabbed yourself every day for over 9months for. Of course you must feel constant happiness about it- your dream has come true! And yes, yes it has! And yes I do pinch myself every day with how lucky I am and I have so much love for my boys it consumes me. But I also feel shitty. Shitty that I still only fit my maternity clothes. Shit that I haven't been able to go to bingo. And I won't depress you with the rest! These feelings have messed with my mind a bit. Is it OK to feel this AND that or should I be feeling this OR that? Currently I feel terrible guilt for even thinking the other things. What's your experience? Please do share!
8 Comments
Laura
11/7/2016 09:09:19 pm
I get this....every word. When you want a baby as badly as you or I did....and the journey isn't smooth, then to have it and sometimes think wow...'I would like an hour to myself' can bring about a whole lot of guilt. I experienced that first time round....guilt about not being a food enough mum, guilt about leaving him to go out and enjoy myself...I could go on. I also had an issue with leaving Seth with others....felt guilty for asking someone to look after him and also worrying that he wouldn't be ok for them, they wouldn't do things the way I did.......but I wholeheartedly think it is important to have a bit of 'you' time. However long it be I think it just rejuvinates you ready to go back to the best job...but also the hardest. I do feel I learnt lessons the first time so have found this easier second time round. Thanks for sharing Jen....love reading this blog....and also love the anecdotes that begin each blog! 💙💙
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Claire
11/7/2016 09:28:09 pm
I want to be a mom and I do feel ready but sometimes I have thoughts like 'there's so many places I still want to travel to' and 'am I really ready for this?' then I feel guilty for even thinking like that as I really want a family. I can't relate to post baby guilt and I know it's not the same at all, but in a way I can see where you're coming from. I think it might be human nature to experience guilt like this, it doesn't mean you are not whole heartedly happy either... i definitely think you can have starburst AND minstrels, just when you're ready!
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Kayte
11/7/2016 09:50:30 pm
Yes!!! I think happiness and sadness can and do co-exist. For lots of reasons and in lots of circumstances.
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Missing one small ingredient...!
11/7/2016 10:20:53 pm
Brilliantly written, as always. I know a huge amount of Mums who feel like this and I think we all do at times to be honest even if we don't have kids. I think it's impossible to be 100% happy or 100% sad at any time. Even when life catapults you into chaos, tragedy or disaster you still find yourself laughing at things and I think the same is true when you're happy, you can still feel niggled by something, upset or annoyed or in your case probably bloody knackered! For example I really love my job and wouldn't change it but still moan when I have a bad or long day. So many friends who are parents have felt the same but felt guilty about feeling, let alone saying it, particularly when they're surrounded by constantly positive posts on social media. People only share the good or funny stories and don't tend to write 'Today I'm knackered, a bit bored and I feel rubbish about myself'. Luckily wonderful humans like you remind people that everyone feels like this. I don't know, I think you've just got to appreciate the good things in life (and your amazing boys are just that) but also never feel guilty about feeling crap sometimes. That said, it's easy for me to say as I'm not a Mum. I am certain about the fact you can have Minstrels AND Starburst however, always!! Xxx
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Hazel
11/7/2016 10:28:21 pm
I think you are absolutely normal! (Didn't think I'd ever say that!) I think your post here is FULL of amazing wisdom and insight.
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Steph
11/8/2016 04:40:08 pm
News just in... Jen you are human. We have mixed emotions all the time one minute happiness the next sadness or (as you've written about so brilliantly) both at the same time. I think it's healthy to feel different things no one in the world can feel happiness all the time, even when we have everything we've ever wanted and wished for. I too feel happiness and such love for my boys, but being woken every morning at 3:30 is taking its toll. Saying this is does not change my love for my boys. We have to take the rough with the smooth. Thank you for writing yet again another wonderful blog (you made us wait this time) xx
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Sharon
11/8/2016 08:03:26 pm
Of course it's normal. You long for a child, you wait 9 months for it and when it comes your over the moon and so I'm love. BUT no one tells you how you suddenly get a new name of jacks mum or Olivia mum you kinda lose a bit of you. Link that to the monotony of daily repeating of eat feed poop sleep them not you, and the crazy of hormones and new baby and maternity leave do make you happy sad and slightly mental!! But it does get easier and you do get to bingo and out the front door not smelling of sick eventually. Happy sad is okay xx
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Sarah
11/9/2016 09:09:46 pm
I definitely go with AND every time when it comes to motherhood. It's the best of times & the worst of times all rolled into one. I know that sounds awful but I really think it's true. I love my son very much & think he's absolutely amazing. However he can frustrate me like no other. He has made me cry (not in a positive way) a a few times already & im sure there'll be plenty more times in the years to come. I have also reminisced about the time when I could lie in or go out whenever I wanted to. I think admitting you feel negative at times is ok & completely normal. If you feel the negative more than the positive then it's still good to admit, as if not it's a slippery slope. Motherhood is all consuming & so brings with it all of the emotions, sometimes simultaneously!
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Author38 year old mom of twins. That's it, my current identity in a nut shell. Archives
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