Thanks for all your advice yesterday- priceless! It seems we are way too concerned with the design and cut of our special places! :)
I want to ask another question today and I'd really like your view on it. Is it ok to ask someone if they are going to have children? I've asked it a million times- to lots of different people and not thought anything of it. Well I use to ask it (sometimes it still pops out- old habits die hard), until I really didn't know the answer to the question myself. As a childless woman in her 30's it is pretty much a stock question to be asked. As someone who got married last year it was something that would often be asked, in fact I think I got asked it about 5 times on my wedding day. I'm made of tough stuff and I've got pretty thick skin. But this question started to really get to me. Aquaintances would ask. Work colleagues would enquire. All innocently being nosey, but each time I was asked, it would hurt. I'd usually just smile and say "we'll see!" What I really wanted to say was "I desperately want children, but my stupid body won't let them grow in me and to top it off they took one of my tubes too! Plus what's it bloody well got to do with you!" But I never did. I smiled and died a little bit each time. Quite dramatic sounding isn't it? Well yeah it is. Because being made aware of my perceived failure as a woman felt dramatic. Did I hate the people asking it? No. After the initial 'ouch!' I had to remind myself that they didn't know, they were just more often than not making polite conversation and showing an interest. It didn't stop me hating the question though. I'm still not sure whether it's an appropriate question to ask someone. How would people really have handled it if I'd have told the truth? It would have probably made them feel awkward, extend a bit of pity my way and possibly make them avoid me for a few days! But that's just me. I've just had twins. You'd think I'd escape being asked about my reproductive aims and ambitions! "Are you going to have any more?!" Now I just smile and say - I can't afford anymore! The stranger thinks its because the cost of raising kids is so high- but I know it's because I can't afford another round of treatment. At least this time I can give an honest answer! What do you think? What are your experiences? Do we need to just get over ourselves? I look forward to hearing your opinions.
18 Comments
Laura
9/4/2016 09:48:48 pm
Totally agree with everything you say....it is an innocently asked question, and if you yourself have not been in the situation where it is a damn struggle to conceive then it is a ntautal thing to ask. I stopped asking before I myself knew we would need fertility treatment. It was when I knew someone else who jad IVF that I stopped and thought whoa....it isn't a given to be able to have children....that might be me one day......so I stopped asking....and low and behold......I needed some help to get my family too!
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Jen
9/4/2016 09:50:28 pm
Thanks for that! You're a much better person than me, realising the impact before it happened to you! Zx
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Claire
9/4/2016 09:56:55 pm
I can relate to this... I get this a lot since our wedding. And yes I agree, it's often innocently asked but I find it increasingly hard to come up with an answer. Maybe that's because I've had a few friends struggle to become moms and I have seen them hurt by it and forced to reply or maybe it's because I currently don't know if it will be a walk in the park for me to start a family so I don't know how to reply...
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Jen
9/4/2016 10:01:48 pm
Yeah it does! I'm sorry that you don't enjoy the question and I do feel bad that I may have jaded the experience of excited expectation at planning a pregnancy! ❤️❤️
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Claire
9/4/2016 10:05:46 pm
It is funny, when I was young and naive I used to love being asked and talking about it and just pressumed things would be fine. Don't feel bad, I have felt so privileged to be a part of your journey to being a mom!
Becky
9/4/2016 10:07:57 pm
I agree with you and that question does hurt...bit like when I repeatedly got asked when are you having more after returning to work from maternity leave (after finally conceiving, managing a successful pregnancy and giving birth) that question used to really annoy me and I'd say I feel blessed just to have Amelie...then a colleague (who never wanted and never had children and openly said she didn't like children) told me I was very selfish for only having one child!! She knew about the difficult journey we'd had to get there...at that point I honestly wanted to slap her in the face, instead I "accidentally" dropped her favourite "I love dogs" mug! Oooops!
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Jen
9/4/2016 10:10:28 pm
Nice cup handling! :) really appreciate you getting involved and sharing your opinions....who knew 20 years ago when we were young and naive that we'd be conversing around this subject?! XX
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Becky
9/4/2016 10:17:38 pm
I know! Who would've thought talk would turn from WBA or the champions LCFC to this!
Danielle
9/4/2016 10:14:43 pm
Have actually experienced this with a friend...a group of us sat having a meal discussing who would be next and us all saying to said friend 'oh it's got to be you 2 next' at this point her eyes filled with tears and I thought she was going to start crying at the table but she just smiled, looked away and went off to the toilet. Obviously none of us knew anything was wrong and from then on we didn't ask as she clearly wasn't ready to talk. After this occasion I decided it was wrong to ask and assume. However, wrong or right I think you will never be able to stop people asking as it's kind of natural especially after marriage etc x
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Jen
9/4/2016 10:17:58 pm
You're right, people's are always gonna ask and as long as there are people like you who can read people then I think that it's ok! Xx
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The Wend
9/4/2016 10:17:03 pm
It is, I suppose an innocent question asked innocently by all and sundry. Like 'How are you? ' people ask these questions automatically, often without wanting an in depth reply. Do we then stop asking people how they feel incase they actually feel like shite or have an ailment we don't know anything about.?😞 It's a tough question Jen but one worth asking.
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Jen
9/4/2016 10:21:26 pm
Fantastic reply and I know my experiences have tainted my views....which is why I wanted to explore opinions about it....thanks for the straight talk! :) x
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Vicki
9/4/2016 10:26:55 pm
I totally agree Jen, have been reading your blogs-they are fab! I don't ask people either... Not every woman on this planet wants children and I think the ones that stay true to themselves by not having them are doing the right thing. It doesn't make them any less of a woman either. Yes we are the ones that carry the children but we are more than ovens. I also don't ask for the same reasons you have pointed out! I myself have been pregnant 6 times! However I only have 4 little boys with me. Our first son died when he was 3 days old, life changing! The devastation that has left for my husband and I, I can not even put into words. I have also had an early miscarriage which was also heartbreaking. I have had 5 c-sections.... When I "forget" that not everyone knows my first son died, and it slips out in conversation that I have had 5 sections, they look at me and say "where's the other one then? Or I thought you only had 4?" Then I kick myself as I have to explain the situation and watch them crumble and wish the ground would swallow them up! Child loss, miscarriage, still birth, neonatal death... All taboo subjects! No-one talks about it and you feel all alone when it happens to you. Then someone will tell you, oh that happened me, my sister, my friend etc and you realise you aren't alone at all!
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Jen
9/4/2016 10:36:23 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. It means a lot that you have taken the time to comment. I'm sure by you talking about your experiences (which I'm really sorry to read about) you have opened the way for others to feel connected and 'normal. I know what you mean about the other person wanting the ground to swallow them up- you kind of feel sorry for them! 4 boys- wow! Amazing. Bet you are immune to the smell of farts and sweat by now! Thanks again x
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Vicki
9/4/2016 10:51:20 pm
Your welcome! I could write a book with the stuff people ask me! My boys are just fabulous however not everyone thinks that way! All I ever get asked is "don't you want a girl?" 😡😡😡
Kerensa
9/4/2016 10:30:45 pm
Once you're married or settled in a relationship, it's a natural assumption that you'll be trying for a family. We all know what assumption is the mother of?! For most women, the first time that question is asked it's exciting. For those who will struggle to become pregnant but don't yet know it becomes tedious. For those who already know they need fertility treatment it's heartbreaking and feels like another nail in the coffin of your perceived womanhood. But even worse than that is when friends and family are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and you have to pretend to be happy and smile until your face aches whilst another little piece of you shrivels up and dies. But you keep on smiling and do your duty when asked to be godmother to yet another baby. Don't you find -when you're unable to have children -that you collect godchildren?
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Jen
9/4/2016 10:40:33 pm
Ah- the smile at the announcing of another pregnancy! And then the feeling terrible for feeling like you do! Yep- been there. Found the cupboard to go in and take a few breaths before facing people again! xx
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Holly
10/18/2016 09:40:14 am
I hate the assumption that everyone firstly wants children and secondly that they can have them.
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Author38 year old mom of twins. That's it, my current identity in a nut shell. Archives
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